In March of 2017 I turned 40. Forty, the number that sits perched at the middle of a timeline like the peak of a rollercoaster. It seemed time clicked away slowly as it dragged me to the top. The top of of this ride called life. The click clacking of the track as we passed holidays, school days, movie nights, vacations, graduation, true love, weddings, babies, sleepless nights, hectic days, the “I can’t wait untils”. Then suddenly, as if I’d just blinked and somehow the track had been cut and pasted: I am at the top of it all.
For just a split second my car sits at the top of this fragile thing, on a skeleton of wood and nails. I can look behind and see all the track I've traveled and then look forward to all the track I am about to plunge through, scared, crazy, stiff, but laughing at every dip. In those seconds at the top, I can see for miles. My infinite perspective gives me pause at all the beauty i've been whooshing by in an attempt to have fun. All the anticipat…
Today, I shift from my usual style to share with you some personal advice and wisdom gained by the bumps and bruises of living life and giving life: Motherhood. All the wrapped up beauty of the newborn and the graduate at 18 are just the trinkets that decorate our hurried and sometimes harried existence. I was crazy enough to marry young and because of the possible threat of infertility due to chemo and radiation, we weren't sure if I could conceive... I became pregnant with my daughter four months after our wedding and two years after she was born, we had our son. I was a young mom with an old soul. I knew the value of one day and desired to make it count.
Despite my perspective I fell prey to feeling the pressures to do everything "right". I was always second guessing my choices. Should my toddler be in dance? Should I make sure to teach her how to read by 3? What if he isn't talking as well as the other kids? (and other ridiculous things)What am I doing wrong be…
I distinctly remember as a small child I loved to go visit my great grandmother. She was so unique in her love for others and despite her being wheelchair bound after losing both legs to diabetes related injuries, she was always full of life. She took pride in sneaking us a cookie while swearing us to secrecy. We loved running in her flower filled yard and playing whatever our young minds could dream up in the few hours we were there. She was always teaching us and giving unlimited hugs, but one of the things I found most exciting about going to see her actually had nothing to do with seeing her at all. (When you are 7 or younger priorities are often distorted).
The most exciting part of our visit had to do with the road we drove on to get there. The road was gravel. I loved the feel of the small rocks and the crackle they made under the hot tires. The dust would swell up behind our station-wagon and the bounce the car had was as much fun to my five year old self as a rid…
(In light of Mother's Day, I'd like to share a poem I wrote in 2009. The ideas had swirled around my head for sometime and I finally put them on paper. Happy Mother's Day, You are a super star in the heart of your child.)
At 5 I dreamed of acting on the world's finest stage
The bug of fame had bit me-
I had to escape its rage...
At 10 I thought of flying,
high above the earth,
Feeling all the strength of engines
propel me to self worth.
At 12 my voice had blossomed into sweet melodies
begging my soul to follow the lights
My name, blazing in the city.
14 was all about surviving,
living within my means.
Looking back-I left my daydreams,
when I left my teens.
All the roads less traveled
seemed to pave their way
Across a million wishes to
where I am today...
This morning I led some
children in a school-time play,
helped mold some airplanes,
boyhood dreams, and clay.
Giving new propulsion
to some youthful plan,
Crafting tools for success for
a young woman and little man.