Mad at Dad

“Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!””

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NASB‬‬

There I was, riding in the front passenger seat of my car, bandage on my throat, being taxied around by my daughter like I was an old lady who could no longer drive. I probably had my arms crossed for good measure.

 I sat, mad. On the outside you may not have realized how mad I was. I’m not sure until that afternoon that I’d realized how mad I was. Just a few weeks prior I was busy. Busy with life, being a caretaker, running a family, just being busy. Thinking we had hit some sort of normal stride, but no, nothing can ever be “normal”. 

I’d let a year pass without seeing my endocrinologist for a check on that pesky lump in my throat. I’d  been busy with my daughter’s high school graduation in 2014 so I must’ve cancelled the appointment. When 2015 rolled around and the lump had grown exponentially I knew I should get it checked  and inevitably removed.

Surgery day came, it was all going to be quick and over with and I’d be home, healing, ready for normal as soon as possible. I’d been told by two doctors that the thyroid lump was non cancerous but if by some chance it was, I’d wake up from surgery with no thyroid. When I went into surgery I had planned to wake up with at least half of my thyroid which eliminated the need for lifelong meds. 

I wasn’t worried. I’d fought cancer as a teen, came out of it because of a miracle, and God and I had a deal-I’d not have to worry about cancer again. Of course, I’d never verbalized that there was a “deal” but I came to see that I’d expected it. 

As I awoke from surgery, my throat ached tremendously, as my eyes opened I saw a nurse checking my vitals and as she saw me awaken she read my chart and said, “You had your thyroid removed. Looks like they took the whole thing. Better safe than sorry.”

The wind was knocked out of me. “The whole thing” meant there was cancer in my thyroid. I laid there, alone in recovery. Staring at the ceiling, trying not to cry. Trying not to cry is painful when you haven’t just had your throat cut open, try it when you have. It’s reason for more tears.

I was mad. Mad at myself first for postponing my appointments. I of all people knew better. I knew the risks  of ignoring a lump. Why did I do something so foolish?

I was mad at the misinformation. I’d been told it was a slim to none chance that this was cancer! 

I looked up at the ceiling and thought, “God, we had a deal. I’ve had cancer. I don’t have time for this. You know I’m a mom of a son with heath issues. What do you think is a good idea about any of this?”. Tears began rolling out of my eyes and into my ears as I laid there on my back.

Now there I sat, looking out the car window, thinking about all of it, going to get follow up blood work. It was my first day out of the house since surgery and I was going to get bloodwork! To top it all off I decided to check my bank account and noticed suspicious charges, had to call and cancel my atm card while in route to the lab. Try having a conversation of a million questions with your bank while your throat feels like it has a thousand small needles in it. That was the last straw. I decided I was mad. I was upset with my Heavenly Father. I’d not deserved this ridiculous situation and I now have the right to pout. As soon as that washed over me, I was disgusted with myself. I can’t remember ever feeling this way before. All the times I’d been through dark trials and I’d always just rested. What had changed at this point? Maybe I was too distracted, too distant. Maybe I’d become so full of knowledge from all my “grown up” studying of God’s Word that I’d stopped being the humbled child on His lap. Whatever the reason, I am glad I admitted it to myself and to God as I road in the car.

We arrived at the lab, I was still simmering in my unrighteous indignation, but I put a smile on my face and went inside. I may have looked ok on the outside but my heart was just ugly that day. I didn’t want to be cheered up, I didn’t want any cliche’ comments. I wanted to sit, mad. I deserved to be mad! At this point I figured my Dad, my ABBA, my God, was upset with me too and didn’t understand my heart.

As I waited to be called back, an older couple sat across from me and at some point we engaged in small talk. I’m not even sure why, but I told the lady I’d just had thyroid removal surgery, found out it was cancer and I have to do some sort of radiation treatment. She smiled, pointed up and with the sweetest expression said: “It’s going to be ok, your Heavenly Father has got this”....

I. Was. Floored.

Tears began fighting their way to the surface, I fought them back. I DID NOT DESERVE THIS WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT! 

My name was called, as I sat in the chair for blood draw, I heard the music playing in the background. It was a Christian song: “He knows, He knows...all your suffering...”

As if the words of the stranger were not enough, the song on the radio was telling me He knows and He still loves me! Grace upon Grace! (John 1:16).

As we left the lab and headed to the grocery store for a couple necessities, I was overwhelmed with the overwhelming love and grace of my Father. When my daughter went in to the store I told her I’d just sit in the car. She probably thought it was because I was tired, but it was because I was about to ugly cry!

There I was, mad, ungrateful, unfaithful, unloving, and He still loved me. He loved me enough to send encouragement to me! Then I thought, “That’s what He has always been doing”. While we were dead in our trespasses and sins He sent love and salvation to us! We cannot be righteous or Holy. He is the only one who can save us. That afternoon I was confronted with the fact that I’d become complacent in my walk. Sure, I’d been faithful in many ways, but I am glad I stopped and saw my self righteousness as it was. I’d not realized I’d become the “good” son who’d stayed home with the father and it took me being an all out ungrateful grown up to see myself as that prodigal who really needed to admit I was mad and my heart needed to be forgiven. To see my Father running towards me. What a sweet embrace of grace it was that day. My thoughts were cleared, my heart began to heal and joy filled my soul again. 

It took a sweet word from a stranger and an honest look at my angry heart to be reminded of His unmerited favor. I did nothing to earn His love, but He loved and keeps loving forever. As the Psalmist writes over and over again : “His lovingkindness is everlasting”

Grace upon grace. God knows your thoughts and He can handle them, so you may as well verbalize what you are feeling. It is only then that He can heal your soul.

 “I know, O LORD, that Your judgments are righteous, And that in faithfulness You have afflicted me. O may Your lovingkindness comfort me, According to Your word to Your servant. May Your compassion come to me that I may live, For Your law is my delight.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119:75-77‬ ‭NASB‬‬

-Melissa Pyle